So, Steven Seagal Pooped His Pants

Fitting, seeing as he’s a real piece of shit. You may know him from such blockbuster films as “Above the law” or “Under Siege”. He’s even tried his hand at action/comedies like “The Glimmer Man”, but the real comedy is in how horribly scripted all this stuff is. He’s quite literally type-cast himself, where he more or less plays the same character in every movie; an ex-CIA/special-forces/Black-Ops agent with a secretive past, where he goes on to beat the living piss out of every bad-guy he comes across with his insane martial arts skills, then at the end of the movie makes out with the girl, and usually has some heartfelt message to share with the audience.

As a kid I remember the rumours always being “he can actually do all this stuff in real life!” and of course that makes him instantly cool. The thing is, Seagal is little more than a fraud. Which, in and of itself would be fine – he’d be just like so many other Hollywood celebrities. However the thing is he truly thinks he’s somehow this great authority on serious real life matters, and it’s that insane ego that’s put him in a whole new rank of horrible person. That, and a whole lot of sexual assault, among other things.

He “Acts” A Lot

Which, I suppose is more or less a good way to wrap up his entire existence. Acting like he knows what he’s talking about, acting like he knows martial arts, acting like he’s a sexual icon, acting like he’s respected, acting like he doesn’t sexually assault dozens of women… you get the picture. The one thing he doesn’t do is actually act in a movie.

Well, Under Siege was pretty dope in it’s day, but after around 1995 or so it’s as if nobody had the heart to tell him he’s a complete joke, so he keeps making straight-to-the-dollar-bin DVDs. My personal favorite is “Sniper Special-ops” where the plot line is something like “we need to send our deadliest and most trained”, so they call on an overweight dude in his 60’s with a glue-on goatee, along with a bunch of washed up wrestlers and retired actors with a general who’s about 90 years old and wearing adult diapers on set. Of course there’s the blockbuster you never heard of called “A good man” which he personally produced, and starred in. The plot on this one is insane with our superstar befriending some women, her kid sister gets kidnapped, sold to a pedophile, and it’s up to our fearless hero (along with his sidekick who does all the action scenes because Seagal is off camera getting his hourly dialysis) to save her. Naturally, he does, then the movie concludes with him screwing the sister while still wearing all his clothes and sunglasses. It’s bloody amazing – kind of like the Republican party. Whatever they claim, they’re quite literally the exact opposite and it’s pure projection.

He also plays a mean blues guitar. Kind of in the same way Nickleback is the greatest rock band of all time, Seagal is BB King. Nobody exactly knows why, but he seems to show up at a lot of events and just martial arts his way on stage to assault the crowd with whatever the hell it is he does. It’s important to note that he wears orange sunglasses at almost every gig. While I’m hardly an expert on orange sunglasses, martial arts, playing a guitar, or anything Seagal claims he’s a world renowned expert in, I suspect that the orange tint allows him to zero in on any Japanese Yakuza that could suddenly appear at the agricultural hall in Winnipeg during Blues Fest.

He Used To Be A Cop, Kind Of.

And he DEFINITELY wants you to know about it. He even made it into a show “Steven Seagal : Lawman” which premiered on A&E in December 2009. The show literally starts with text across the screen saying “For 20 years, Steven Seagal has been a deputy in the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office, a job he’s kept out of the limelight… until now”. It goes on to show a few clips of him acting like a bad-ass, which he narrates over : “I make a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I’ve also been a cop. And along with some of the finest deputies on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal, that’s right, Steven Seagal, deputy sheriff”.

The show is pretty much a rip-off of “Cops”, where they run around doing cop-shit, arrest people for petty crimes, film it, then coerce the victims of the show to plead guilty through a bunch of underhanded tactics, and completely tarnish their names and reputations (even if they are innocent), because they’ve just put their face on half the TV-sets in America before guilt is proven in a court of law. Nice! The only real difference is that there’s ample “OMG you’re Steven Seagal” moments by various citizens, some really bad scripted moments like him signing autographs for people, a bunch of him being “the nice friendly cop” moments, and of course lots of him telling his fellow cops all about martial arts and how he’s a zen-master or some garbage.

The thing is… he’s not actually a cop. His rank was purely ceremonial. It’s like getting the key to the city, it doesn’t open a damn thing, it’s just some PR stunt.

Anyways, the show got cancelled just before Season 2 because Seagal got hit with a sexual trafficking lawsuit (which was later dropped for an undisclosed reason). Then it started back up again because America needed more of this crap. It ran for 3 seasons. He ended up getting sworn in as a deputy sheriff in Hudspeth County in Texas, because Texas is known for rational decisions when it comes to law enforcement. From everything I can tell this is little more than ceremonial as well, seeing as I can’t find any record of him ever doing a damn thing there.

There’s also the fact that he also got hit with a lawsuit in 2011 when during the taping of his show Seagal and the Maricopa county police raided the home of Jesus Sanchez Llovera, something ordered by Joe Arpaio (who’s an absolutely disgusting human who is proud of his collection of literal concentration camps in Arizona). Before you watch the news report below, consider reading the real facts of the story.

It was no ordinary raid. They came rolling in using a FUCKING TANK to bust through a 30′ iron gate. Naturally, Seagal’s crew attached a camera to the tank to capture all the action. That’s when over 30 officers in full riot gear and fully automatic assault rifles smashed every window in the house including the bedroom window of his 7 year old daughter. They deployed dozens of diversionary bombs, and held the mother, father, and daughter all at gunpoint after murdering the family dog. The family was literally dragged by their feet outside to be in full view of the cameras, aggressively zip-tied, and then put in front of Seagal’s cameras where they were screamed at to sign a release wavier so the film crew could enter the residence to film more. They refused to sign.

Apparently Mr. Llovera had been GPS tracked for weeks prior without a warrant, where they could have easily arrested him without decimating his home. But let’s be real – a traffic stop doesn’t make for any sort of good TV now, does it?

So what was this all about? Apparently Llovera was running a cock-fighting ring. Well, it turns out he was completely cleared of any wrong-doing, they were all unarmed, and this was nothing more than a targeted attack so our boy Steven could stroke his massive ego on TV. He faced a $100,000 lawsuit for his involvement.

And Steven Loves The Law… Lawsuits, That Is.

Like, is it any surprise he’s been accused of some pretty horrid stuff over the years? Where do we start?

In May of 1991 he was accused by 3 women of sexual harassment. He silenced them with a $50k bribe each, but that doesn’t include the 4 other women who spoke up about sexual advances he made against them in casting sessions. I guess it’s not a shocker that Jenny McCarthy (now a 5th woman) also claimed he told her to undress for him during her audition for Under Siege 2.

Keeping with tradition he was charged in 2015 for employment discrimination, sexual harassment, and breach of contract for threatening and beating Cheryl Shuman during the filming of “On Deadly Ground”. The same kinda thing happened in 2010 when 23-year-old Kayden Nguyen filed a lawsuit against Seagal for engaging in sexual harassment, the trafficking of women for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, and wrongful termination.

Trying to reach the Weinstein level of scum, Seagal sexually harassed Portia de Rossi when she came for a movie audition, where he told her “how important it was to have chemistry off-screen” as he unzipped his pants. If that wasn’t enough Katherine Heigl alleged on the final day of filming Under Seige 2 he told her he’s got girlfriends the same age as her (she was 16 at the time). That’s a photo of 42-year old Seagal groping 16-year old Heigl in the photo to the right. Dutch model Faviola Dadis also claims she was sexually assaulted by Seagal years earlier. Seems on brand for him at this point, I’d say.

Which is why in 2018 it came as little surprise that Rachel Grant publicly accused him of sexually assaulting her in 2002 during the filming of “Out For A Kill”, which she was promptly fired directly after the incident. And, to top off the almost never-ending sea of sexual assault allegations, Regina Simons publicly claimed that Seagal raped her at what she thought was a “wrap party” for On Deadly Ground, only to show up to his house to find it was the two of them. She was 18 at the time, Seagal was 41 years old.

But that’s only the sexual assault lawsuits. There’s SO many more.

OK, But Get To The Part Where He Shits His Pants!

Such an ego must be stroked, and stoke it Steven did. He had a pretty well documented habit of intentionally hitting stunt performers when there was absolutely no need. There’s no doubt he’s actually trained in a lot of martial arts, the thing is he just really sucks at it. He’s only really trained in aikido, which is kind of like the training wheels of martial arts and lands somewhere between chair-yoga and your grandma’s aqua-fit class in terms of effectiveness. Despite him being a self proclaimed master in martial arts, there’s no actual record of him ever winning a fight or competing at any level. However, in every video of him “sparring”, it’s as if he’s doing so with a gaggle of acrobats as they seemingly just tumble all over the place the moment Seagal looks at them with his superpowers.

He claims to have trained a bunch of MMA fighters, however the only proof of that is Lyoto Machida giving him a shout-out for teaching him a lethal front kick, although it’s widely speculated that he only said this as a joke to dunk of Seagal’s complete lack of abilities. The truth is, Seagal can’t even win against adult onset diabetes.

I’m told a good portion of being excellent at martial arts is to not let your ego get in the way. Like everything else in Steven’s life, he’s not all that good at that either. So, when after Seagal began mouthing off to a bunch of stunt performers claiming he was “immune” to being choked unconscious, Gene LeBell (one of the greatest fighters of all time) told him to prove it. Seagal agreed and that’s when LeBell is said to have placed his arms around Seagal’s neck, and once Seagal said “go” Gene proceeded to choke him unconscious, and that’s when Seagal shit himself. Of course Seagal denies this ever happened, but the 30+ other stunt performers who witnessed it claim otherwise. Even Rhonda Rousey who is a student of Gene LeBall’s publicly said “If he says anything bad about Gene to my face, I’d make him crap his pants a second time”. Like her or hate her, I respect her for that quote.

He’s Probably Being Used As A Pawn By Russia.

Just like our good buddy Donald J Dump, he’s a bloody moron being controlled by a foreign adversary. Seagal quite literally begged the Kremlin for Russian citizenship over a long period of time, which was granted on November 3rd, 2016 – just 5 days before Trump became the new US dictator. Frankly, I think it’s probably the best joke Putin has told, claiming that Seagal will help foreign relations with the USA. Knowing how intelligent Mr. Seagal is, one can likely surmise he’s just a talking head for Putin. It wouldn’t be all that shocking seeing as he’s described Putin as “one of the greatest living world leaders” (2014).

But that’s not some isolated quote. He’s very vocally opposed Colin Kaepernick’s protest against police brutality, cast his doubts about Russian interference in the 2016 US Election (which has been proven true countless times), is literally a card-carrying member of the pro-Kremlin systematic oppression party “Just Russia Patriots”, and was in full support of Russian annexing Crimea. That last one saw him get kicked off a Blues fest type lineup in Estonia with it’s Foreign Affairs minister saying “Steven Seagal has tried to actively participate in politics during the past few months and has done it in a way which is unacceptable to the majority of the world that respects democracy and the rule of law”. Good on you, Tonis Magi.

Fast forward to Russia’s completely disgusting attack on Ukraine. You better believe our boy Steven had something to say about that. In March 2022 he literally went to Moscow to celebrate his birthday alongside a ton of people closely connected to Putin. Then in August 2022 he visited the completely obliterated city of Donetsk, Ukraine and did a little victory lap at the site of the Olenivka prision massacre where Russian blew up a barrack killing 53 Ukrainian prisoners of war and wounding 75 others just to cover up the torture and murder of Ukrainian POW’s. Classy Steve. Classy.

I guess in the end, it’s fitting that he’s so pro-Russia. He’s proven himself to fit right in there. A pompous blowhard who actually sucks at fighting and pretty much anything else that requires physical exertion given how bloated and used up he looks these days. He just sees himself as a bad-ass, but in reality he’s proven himself to be little more than a massive joke, yet continues to live in some fantasy land in his head.

Maybe There’s More To The Story.

Look, ol’ Stevie ain’t that smart. His entire career has more or less been a lie. He’s little more than an entitled old fuck who thinks he can get away with anything, and poses as some shaman temple master. Frankly, I’m a little shocked he’s not public outspoken about how COVID is a hoax.

But… when you think about it, what gives a corrupt Russian a raging hard-on? A stupid American they can buy off through bribes, dirt, or sheer incompetence. If you need proof, just look at 95% of the current Republican party. Or, Mr Steven “I need you to have sex with to make sure you’re right for this role” Seagal. The guy is a fucking moron, and he’s totally a Russian shill. The guy has done 49.. yes, FOURTY NINE movies since 1997, which I’d argue was the last time he did a movie that wasn’t complete and utter dog shit. That’s more than 2 a year, he’s old as fuck, is a terrible actor, and has been type-cast worse than Bruce Willis after Die Hard.

Who the hell is financing these straight-to-DVD discs of trash? They don’t even make it to Netflix, and Amazon Prime is even turning most of them down. How embarrassing. Could it be possible these are just one massive money laundering operation for corrupt Russian oligarchs? Let’s just take a look at “Contract To Kill“, a movie that cost $5 Million to produce, but brought in $7,048 at the box office. You read that right, just over $7,000. Congratulations on getting like 550 people to show up to your shitty movie. EVER. Don’t believe me… here’s some others.

TitleBudgetBox Office
General Commander$12,000,000$69,000
China Salesman$20,000,000$1,500,000
The Perfect Weapon$6,000,000$15,436

Seriously. I didn’t check them all, but most of them didn’t have box office prices because they never made it there. Where is this money coming from? Almost all of his movies are produced under his own studio’s title, Steamroller productions. Dude, the guy is almost certainly laundering money for rich Russian dudes who do really fucked up stuff to people.

Just Die – Like Your Career Did 30 Years Ago.

Year over year he just gets worse. He lends absolutely nothing positive to this world, and whenever you think he can’t get any worse, he’s right there to show you he still thinks he’s relevant. I suppose the silver lining these days is that he’s so overweight and out of shape that his hobby of sexually abusing women has to be getting more difficult. The fact that I thought he was cool when I was a teenager is probably going to cause me to lose a bit of sleep tonight, but I take solace knowing I’ve never shit my pants after betting one of the world’s most skilled martial artists that they couldn’t choke me out.

There’s also the fact that my website doesn’t look like it was built in 1997. This shit isn’t just terrible, it’s glorious. SOMEHOW it’s built in WordPress, but goddamn they made incredible efforts to make it look like the same things I build when I was in my pre-teens coding websites on Geocities and Angelfire.

Seriously, just do like your website should do and just die. It’ll be your greatest achievement.

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